I'm Going to be an Out-Law if Julius Ever Gets Married.

Okay. so just as a place of beginning,

this is how Julius and I spend our normal days:

and this would describe how i feel today:

At this time I would like to create a quote and response portion of the programme:

C. I have two friends who have gone gluten-free, meat-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and oil-free and have lost thirty pounds. They feel really great.

E. You mean like committing dietary suicide? I feel great when I do that too.

C. I really think Julius needs this teething ring. Look, you can put oragel right in the little canister here and he can eat it! It will be great! I'm buying it. I want to buy. Yeah, I'm buying it.

E. Sorry. Julius is not eating oragel for dinner. Or ever. He's going to have to tough this one out with the traditional remedies of cold fruit and wet washcloths. You can buy it if you want, but he's not using it.

C. If we don't get this crib together today I swear, we will have accomplishing nothing.

E. Didn't you come here to, er, spend time with Julius? Oh, I see. You came here to shop. My mistake.

C. Well, I mean, "go back to work, go back to work" nothing is ever set in stone....

E. Actually, your son is going back to school full time in 3 months. And "going back to work" is something that is real. It's set in stone. Like rock hard granite. I have to work.

And that's only a small taste.

9AM:

C. So if I want to turn on the TV, where is the button?

E. Usually I don't turn on the TV until 9pm. Can I have my son back?

C. What does Julius need? Clothes? Toys? How about a trike? Maybe a new bed? What about this special device? Maybe a shirt? Cmmmon, lets just go to Target! Ooooo there is Pier One Imports! Hey...can we stop really briefly at WalMart....I have this huge store credit for Bed Bath and Beyond I forgot at home......

E. You really support sweatshops, eh?

C. I just custom ordered a band new sofa for the sitting room, you know the one no one goes in? Yeah, its dark leather, I think it will look great.

E. Maybe you should donate some money to charity.

10am. Julius' nap time.

C. "ohhhh Mommy, my eyes aren't sleepy" Oh Emma, I dont think he's tired, I think he wants to play, play, Oh Julius honey, No Em, he's not tired, No he's not....

E. Really? Because he's asleep.

Action portion of the programme:

1. Getting INTO the shower with a crib to clean it is fucked up. Seriously. Just fucking spray it and clean it. Get out of the shower with the crib. Seriously. Get out.

2. Manically shoveling little tunnels all over our goddamn yard. Look. We NEVER go there.

3. Putting Julius in his little command center and then turning around and heading to her computer to search for a new crib every time she wants "time" with him.

This was just Day One.

I'll do Part II soon.